**THIS IS SOMETHING I WROTE 5 YRS AGO, FOUND IT ON MY COMPUTER AND LOVED IT! COULD HARDLY BELIEVE I WROTE IT WHEN I WAS 15.. ANYWA THIS IS HOW I FELT AND STILL SOMETIMES FEEL***
Turning down her music stereo she quietly thought to herself, 'why? Why am I this way and they that way? Why are things the way they are?'
People can be so cruel.
Is there a sign on my forehead that says you need to remind me everyday of my imperfections? What do these people want me to say? Some witty remark about how they're acne grows like a fungus? Or maybe how big their nose is. No, I'm not going to make myself vulnerable for more insults; I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. It's all just one big game, and when someone takes something seriously, everyone laughs. And that laugh, it goes on for eternity, those conniving smiles, and wide eyes staring at you. 'You're so stupid; you're such a freak. Freak. Freak.'
Soon they've all begun chanting it, in you're head at least. That memory gets replayed everyday before you go to sleep, when you wake up, while you're in the shower. I'm Kawena, a fifteen-year-old fuck up, someone who probably won't amount to anything she's planned to.
I've got friends who are the enemies. I've got parents who are nothing but constant weeds growing in your garden. But all at once I am nothing, because I have nothing. Every year re-inventing myself, I don't just turn to a clean page, I become a brand new notebook. I'm tired. None of this is me, but when you are me, there's nothing else to turn to.
My grades are dropping; im meddling in drugs, and the people who are supposed to be there for me are the ones causing this. What am I to do?
I open my eyes, and stare at a very familiar ceiling. The creases and cracks form shapes and people and one thought leads to another. Soon I find myself crying and I don't even know why.
"Get up for school Kawena! You've got less than an hour!"
That would be my mother, our relationship is too much to think about right now.
I slip off my pajamas and get the water running, same morning routine as always. I get into the shower, the hot water running down my body, down my face. Flashes of my dreams run through my mind and as always I ignore them, putting the shampoo in my hair.
After I finished dressing, I put my backpack on and leave to start my daily walk to school. These 15 minutes for some would just be a bore but for me it's paradise. I'm alone, and I have freedom to think, think whatever I want without anyone knowing, just mental freedom.
How depressing am I? No one in my life actually knows me, it always has to put on an act for others, how pathetic. My steps are hard and angry as I remember all the ugly things about me, it's almost as if I can't escape it. My friends tell me, people I don't know tell me, and soon I am telling myself.
(Switch to third person)
Kawena looks up and realizes she has arrived at school, a couple minutes late, she takes in a deep breath before walking into class. All eyes seem to turn on her in what seems like an overly spacious geometry classroom. She keeps her eyes on the ground, to avoid anyone unnecessary eye contact to others.
That class passes on to the next and the next and the next, every day seems to the be same. And now rather lonely.
(Back to first person)
People run out of the classroom as if lunch was actually something to look forward too. It always seems as though im just a joke to everyone. The object of their anger, the person who they can just take out all of their frustrations out on and then just laugh at.
How depressing. It's all so depressing. And then I remember my friends telling me I have a fucked up head, well, now that's a great way to help my self-esteem. Which now seems to be non-existent.
Lunch is the time of the day when I look at everyone eat, and tell myself not to. Because if I eat, I'll be giving everyone something else to point out, something else to stab me in the back with.
Running home crying, everything becomes blurry. My sensitivity meter also decided to get knocked up a notch. Confrontation, I hate it. I hate all those stupid immature selfish people from this stupid place.
These people who think asking me why I'm such a freak in front of the whole class is funny. Because I have become the object of these people's humor. That's all I am to them, just someone else to make fun of and torture.
My head just can't take it anymore, and you know when you're so desperate that you do something you wish you would of never done?